We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still!
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let me die .... Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting, while thinking of the number 4 (I still don't understand this!).
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Build the fence as quick as possible
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Food police
What the heck-now the government is telling us what we can and cannot eat again! Now they want to limit the salt we eat. What about focusing on the real problems that we have right now like jobs, Iran, Afghanistan, financial meltdown for many American families! President Obama should come to Oakhurst ,Ca. to see the results of his actions! We're becoming a business ghost town. I'm sure we are not the only small town that is suffering this fate because of his administration's policies!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Mad as Hell
Sherry Hackett, wife of the
late Buddy Hackett, is a dyed-in-the-wool
Democrat. I would think that many other Democrats share her
position...
This was written
by Sherry Hackett, Buddy Hackett's widow.
"WE NOTICED"
President Obama:
Today I read of your administrations' plan to
re-define September 11 as
a National Service Day. Sir, it's time we had
a talk.
During your campaign, Americans watched as
you made mockery of our
tradition of standing and crossing your heart
when the Pledge of Allegiance
was spoken. You, out of four people on the
stage, were the only one not
honoring our tradition.
YES, "We noticed."
During one of your many speeches, Americans
heard you say that you
intended to visit all 57 states.
We all know that Islam, not America has 57
states.
YES, "We noticed."
When President Bush leaned over at Ground
Zero and gently placed a
flower on the memorial, while you
nonchalantly tossed your flower onto
the pile without leaning over.
YES, "We noticed."
Every time you apologized to other countries
for America 's position on
an issue we have wondered why you don't share
our pride in this great
country.. When you have heard foreign leaders
berate our country and
our beliefs, you have not defended us. In
fact, you insulted the
British Crown beyond belief.
YES, "We noticed."
When your pastor of 20 years, "God-damned
America " and said that
9/11 was " America 's chickens coming home to
roost" and you denied
having heard recriminations of that nature,
we wondered how that could
be. You later disassociated yourself from
that church and Pastor
Wright because it was politically expedient
to do so.
YES, "We noticed."
When you announced that you would transform
America , we wondered
why. With all her faults, America is the
greatest country on earth.
Sir, KEEP THIS IN MIND, "if not for America
and the people who built
her, you wouldn't be sitting in the White
House now." Prior to your
election to the highest office in this
Country, you were a senator from
Illinois and from what we can glean from the
records available, not a
very remarkable one.
YES, "We noticed."
All through your campaign and even now, you
have surrounded
yourself with individuals who are basically
unqualified for the
positions for which you appointed them. Worse
than that, the majority
of them are people who, like you, bear no
special allegiance, respect, or
affection for this country and her traditions.
YES, "We noticed."
You are 14 months into your term and every
morning millions of
Americans wake up to a new horror heaped on
us by you. You seek to
saddle working Americans with a health
care/insurance reform package
that, along with cap and trade, will bankrupt
this nation.
YES, "We noticed."
We seek, by protesting, to let our
representatives know that we are not
in favor of these crippling expenditures and
we are labeled
"un-American","racist", "mob". We wonder how
we are supposed to let
you know how frustrated we are. You have
attempted to make our protests seem
isolated and insignificant. Until your
appointment, Americans had the right
to speak out.
YES, "We noticed."
On September 11, 2001 there were no
Republicans or Democrats, only
Americans. And we all grieved together and
helped each other in
whatever way we could. The attack on 9/11 was
carried out because we are
Americans.
And YES, "We noticed."
There were many of us who prayed that as a
black president you could
help unite this nation. In six months you
have done more to destroy
this nation than the attack on 9/11. You have
failed us.
YES, "We noticed."
September 11 is a day of remembrance for all
Americans. You
propose to make 9/11 a "National Service
Day". While we know that you
don't share our reverence for 9/11, we pray
that history will report
your proposal as what it is, a disgrace.
YES, "We noticed."
You have made a mockery of our Constitution
and the office that
you hold. You have embarrassed and slighted
us in foreign visits
and policy.
YES, "We noticed."
We have noticed all these things. We will
deal with you. When Americans
come together again, it will be to remove you
from office.
This was sent to me by a friend here in Coarsegold. Americans are mad as hell and we're not going to take this anymore!!!
Take notice. If you agree with this, please
pass it on. If not, I'm sorry.
late Buddy Hackett, is a dyed-in-the-wool
Democrat. I would think that many other Democrats share her
position...
This was written
by Sherry Hackett, Buddy Hackett's widow.
"WE NOTICED"
President Obama:
Today I read of your administrations' plan to
re-define September 11 as
a National Service Day. Sir, it's time we had
a talk.
During your campaign, Americans watched as
you made mockery of our
tradition of standing and crossing your heart
when the Pledge of Allegiance
was spoken. You, out of four people on the
stage, were the only one not
honoring our tradition.
YES, "We noticed."
During one of your many speeches, Americans
heard you say that you
intended to visit all 57 states.
We all know that Islam, not America has 57
states.
YES, "We noticed."
When President Bush leaned over at Ground
Zero and gently placed a
flower on the memorial, while you
nonchalantly tossed your flower onto
the pile without leaning over.
YES, "We noticed."
Every time you apologized to other countries
for America 's position on
an issue we have wondered why you don't share
our pride in this great
country.. When you have heard foreign leaders
berate our country and
our beliefs, you have not defended us. In
fact, you insulted the
British Crown beyond belief.
YES, "We noticed."
When your pastor of 20 years, "God-damned
America " and said that
9/11 was " America 's chickens coming home to
roost" and you denied
having heard recriminations of that nature,
we wondered how that could
be. You later disassociated yourself from
that church and Pastor
Wright because it was politically expedient
to do so.
YES, "We noticed."
When you announced that you would transform
America , we wondered
why. With all her faults, America is the
greatest country on earth.
Sir, KEEP THIS IN MIND, "if not for America
and the people who built
her, you wouldn't be sitting in the White
House now." Prior to your
election to the highest office in this
Country, you were a senator from
Illinois and from what we can glean from the
records available, not a
very remarkable one.
YES, "We noticed."
All through your campaign and even now, you
have surrounded
yourself with individuals who are basically
unqualified for the
positions for which you appointed them. Worse
than that, the majority
of them are people who, like you, bear no
special allegiance, respect, or
affection for this country and her traditions.
YES, "We noticed."
You are 14 months into your term and every
morning millions of
Americans wake up to a new horror heaped on
us by you. You seek to
saddle working Americans with a health
care/insurance reform package
that, along with cap and trade, will bankrupt
this nation.
YES, "We noticed."
We seek, by protesting, to let our
representatives know that we are not
in favor of these crippling expenditures and
we are labeled
"un-American","racist", "mob". We wonder how
we are supposed to let
you know how frustrated we are. You have
attempted to make our protests seem
isolated and insignificant. Until your
appointment, Americans had the right
to speak out.
YES, "We noticed."
On September 11, 2001 there were no
Republicans or Democrats, only
Americans. And we all grieved together and
helped each other in
whatever way we could. The attack on 9/11 was
carried out because we are
Americans.
And YES, "We noticed."
There were many of us who prayed that as a
black president you could
help unite this nation. In six months you
have done more to destroy
this nation than the attack on 9/11. You have
failed us.
YES, "We noticed."
September 11 is a day of remembrance for all
Americans. You
propose to make 9/11 a "National Service
Day". While we know that you
don't share our reverence for 9/11, we pray
that history will report
your proposal as what it is, a disgrace.
YES, "We noticed."
You have made a mockery of our Constitution
and the office that
you hold. You have embarrassed and slighted
us in foreign visits
and policy.
YES, "We noticed."
We have noticed all these things. We will
deal with you. When Americans
come together again, it will be to remove you
from office.
This was sent to me by a friend here in Coarsegold. Americans are mad as hell and we're not going to take this anymore!!!
Take notice. If you agree with this, please
pass it on. If not, I'm sorry.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
ACLU
(The ACLU is the largest and most dangerous subversive organization in the USA. I agree with what is said below-we have to take back our country and our way of life. It is amazing the amount of damage one man and his cohorts can do in one 4 year term in office!! It will take the next administration the first 4 years just to undo the mess.)
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: AMEN! Andy Rooney
Folks, this is the Month that we
RE-TAKE AMERICA
********* Get Ready *********
Keep this going around the globe .
Read it and forward every time you receive it. We can't give up on
this issue.
Andy Rooney and Prayer
Andy Rooney says:
I don't believe in Santa Claus, but
I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in
December. I don't agree with Darwin , but I didn't go out and hire
a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his Theory of Evolution.
Life, liberty or your pursuit of
happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second
prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not
like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts. They're
just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety
to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.
But it's a Christian prayer, some
will argue..
Yes, and this is the United States
of America , a country founded on Christian principles.. According
to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others
better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect -- somebody chanting
Hare Krishna?
If I went to a football game in
Jerusalem , I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer...
If I went to a soccer game in
Baghdad , I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.
If I went to a ping pong match in
China , I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.
And I wouldn't be offended. It
wouldn't bother me one bit.
But what about the atheists? Is
another argument.
What about them? Nobody is asking
them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate.
Just humor us for 30 seconds.. If that's asking too much, bring a
Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the
concession stand. Call your lawyer!
Unfortunately, one or two will make
that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot
do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to
shake the world's foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired
of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our
rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before
eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray
without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are
telling us to cease praying.
God, help us. And if that last
sentence offends you, well, just sue me.
The silent majority has been silent
too long. It's time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough
to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care what they want. It
is time that the majority
Rules! It's time we tell them, You
don't have to pray; you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance;
you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him.
That is your right, and we will honor your right; but by golly, you
are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back,
and we WILL WIN!
God bless us one and all ....
Especially those who denounce Him , God bless America, despite all
her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all. God bless our
service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and
worship God.
Let's make 2010 the year the silent
majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our
families and institutions . And our military forces come home from
all the wars.
Keep looking up.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: AMEN! Andy Rooney
Folks, this is the Month that we
RE-TAKE AMERICA
********* Get Ready *********
Keep this going around the globe .
Read it and forward every time you receive it. We can't give up on
this issue.
Andy Rooney and Prayer
Andy Rooney says:
I don't believe in Santa Claus, but
I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in
December. I don't agree with Darwin , but I didn't go out and hire
a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his Theory of Evolution.
Life, liberty or your pursuit of
happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second
prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not
like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts. They're
just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety
to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.
But it's a Christian prayer, some
will argue..
Yes, and this is the United States
of America , a country founded on Christian principles.. According
to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others
better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect -- somebody chanting
Hare Krishna?
If I went to a football game in
Jerusalem , I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer...
If I went to a soccer game in
Baghdad , I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.
If I went to a ping pong match in
China , I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.
And I wouldn't be offended. It
wouldn't bother me one bit.
But what about the atheists? Is
another argument.
What about them? Nobody is asking
them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate.
Just humor us for 30 seconds.. If that's asking too much, bring a
Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the
concession stand. Call your lawyer!
Unfortunately, one or two will make
that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot
do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to
shake the world's foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired
of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our
rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before
eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray
without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are
telling us to cease praying.
God, help us. And if that last
sentence offends you, well, just sue me.
The silent majority has been silent
too long. It's time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough
to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care what they want. It
is time that the majority
Rules! It's time we tell them, You
don't have to pray; you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance;
you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him.
That is your right, and we will honor your right; but by golly, you
are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back,
and we WILL WIN!
God bless us one and all ....
Especially those who denounce Him , God bless America, despite all
her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all. God bless our
service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and
worship God.
Let's make 2010 the year the silent
majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our
families and institutions . And our military forces come home from
all the wars.
Keep looking up.
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